Since I would rather do anything than work, I attempted to convince a certain pretty boy (name withheld for legal reasons) to post his not so-annual draft recap. Obviously, he's too busy mourning his hair line and too perplexed by the blood test results revealing his abnormally high estrogen level (who would believe that?!)....anyway, on with my Spring 2008 draft review and predictions CBLog: By now, you all know that the captains for this season are Mark Vegh (should be read the same way Seinfeld always said Neeewman), Elan Strobel, Aaron Vays, Tzvi Gutman, Norm Shafar, Igor Loshekov, Joey Weiss and yours truly. As commissioner (what conflict in interest?), I could not be happier with the fine collection of scum and sleaze. I was a bit concerned when Howie dropped out but, luckily, Norm came to the forefront. (Can anyone explain how he bagged Raizy Zelmanovich?! Anyone?) If only we could figure out how to get Jablon to replace Tzvi, this season would have the makings for the most entertaining in CBL history. The first sign of trouble came shortly after my e-mail to the captains announcing the draft would be held at the Kosher Delight on Saturday night, January 19, 2008. Mark Newman Vegh advised that he would be hunting for wabbits (chicks with beards) in the armpit of the USA, South Carolina, until after Shabbas. As if it doesn't take him long enough to make his picks, the 3 hour time difference (yes, Leib does my research for me) would make this our longest yet. Little did we know that mad scientist Vegherstein would be back before it was time to make his second pick! Where’s the commish when you need someone to enforce the “5 minutes per pick” rule?
Since I am already boring myself, I will only hit on the picks that made me scratch my head or think that we stumbled upon a captain who wasn’t clueless. You really need to picture Leib at a Karaoke bar belting out the following lyrics, “…I touch myself…” in order to fully appreciate what he CBL is all about. No shame! With the 2nd pick in the draft, Aaron went with Arty. In Aaron's defense, the draft was held before Arty's test results came in. This pick still confuses me. Has anyone seen someone run into the 3-0 wall at full speed? Don’t say I didn’t warn you but Arty is more over the hill than Leib is “big boned”. (Are these guys lucky to have me as a friend, or what?!) At #4, Igor selected Amir. You guys would be surprised at how many trade offers Igor has since fielded for the Israeli Assassin (no relation to Charlie). Let’s reminisce for a second about a draft held a long time ago when a certain captain named Shapsie thought it would be wise to take Mark “I just had Chinese food” Garbulsky with the 4th pick overall. I’m just saying… At #5, The Shaps Man took Leib. I've never typed a sentence that signified such doom. Ironically, I made this pick thinking that I would be the hero that helped Leib to the promised land (not Dougie's, the other "promised land"). I wonder if that’s even possible to do, save for trading him to Vegh’s team so that Leib can be teamed with Simchi. Speaking of perennial losers… At #6, Joey (a/k/a Elan's slut) scooped up Robert Davidovitch before he could fall to him in the 4th round. Then again, how could he possibly pass up on a Russian dude named Rubby?! I didn’t think it was a terrible pick until I received word from Rubby’s cousin, Eddie Lebovitch, that Rubby was out of shape. Read that last sentence again and tell me that Joey isn’t destined for last place. #9- Tzvi goes with Big Foot Abe because....Abe's mom (Tzvi's aunt, for those of you who don't already know that we are all related) told him to. You need a better reason that that? Scary combo down low! Look out if they can get a decent PG and shooter… #10-Aaron selects Al so Arty has someone "to play with". On a side note, does anyone else subscribe to the theory that Farky got married and sneaks out the marital residence as his alias Al a/k/a Goat Lite? No? Oh well. #11-Elan goes with David Hindy, the first CBLer to have a girl's name. Wierd stuff! My spies tell me that Elan was spotted placing his left pinky at the bridge of his mouth (Dr. Evil reference, for the love of G-d!) as he called in his pick. Something tells me that we just found this season’s Evan Weinstein/Teddy Mann/Amir. I’d be willing to bet Leib’s life on this one. #13- I select Illish after Vegh passed up on him in favor of Steven Israel. Obviously, Illish's shoulder surgery scared off Vegh. He'll be kicking himself soon when he realizes that Illish's shadow, Hershy Shayovitz, didn't come out of retirement. I think I have now cornered the market on big guys who could actually play 10 years ago. #15-Norm goes with Yaniv. Doesn't he remember playing with him last season? (scratching my head) #16- Tzvi goes with the blonde-bomber Ari. Haven't we seen this horror film once before? #17-Aaron goes with Berk because he forgot Rick was still available. That should be the confidence boost that Berk sorely needs. #18-Elan takes Rick...because he's a prick! #19-Vegh goes with his former flame, Golumb, who has officially dropped his first name. Or was it his last name? You can’t build your team around enough “guys who need the ball” when you have Simchi on your team. In totally unrelated news…Simchi just asked Sonna to steal Vegh’s lunch money. #21-Aaron goes with Charlie even though he already has the all-star Jewish missionary (no, not Arty) on his squad. Yeah Aaron, this is going real well!! Guess who is in the lead for GM of the year?! But wait...gaining quickly... #22-Tzvi snatches Jablon. Now that's a scary team. For Tzvi and the rest of us. Rest assured that Ari and Jablon are also on the same team in that minor league. You know, the one that plays on Monday nights. How can a team be the favorite to win the championship and the favorite to implode? #24-Igor takes Eli K because he needs a translator for Amir (I guess that would work better the other way around). Igor isn't worried that he doesn't have a PG to do the "little things" like dribble and pass to his scorers, Pines and Amir. (This guy finished med school?) #25 & 26-Joey takes Marek Shafar and I take Dave Weiss/Wais. Joey laughs when I point out that he needs some more guards (he has himself, Rubby, Howie and Marek). Call me crazy, but I think it’s always a good sign when a captain can laugh at himself before the season even starts. Naturally, after Joey and I flip Dave and Marek, I scheduleJoey's team for week 1. Good times! #27-Vegh takes Oded because he needs a teammate to repeatedly run full speed into Simchi while chasing boards. Why not just take Teddy KGB Romano in the next round? #32 & 33-Elan takes Hoach and Deutsch back to back. No one is surprised when it takes Elan 43 minutes to decide which one should go first. Putz! #34-Aaron takes his cousin, Steven Kunovich. Why? His aunt told him to. No joke!I think we can definitely call Aaron's team the Chuy-anovich's now! #36-Norm goes with Ed Leb because he needs a ride to the games. #37-Igor takes Mo Money Mosseri. Real shocker there! Now he just needs to figure out how to get Rick on his team... #39-I take Benjy (my wife's cousin) as Igor chuckles in the background. Why? Because I want to ensure Benjy outscores Igor this season. Oh, it'll happen! Also, Leib will really be “up” for each game now that we have 2 “young Avon kids”. Don’t ask questions…unless if you want to testify for the government. It’s a long story. #40-Vegh goes with Zeev K after deliberating for 26 minutes. Can we all agree that Vegh is the worst and slowest captain ever? Thought so. That was an easy one. Would you believe that the draft ended at 1:30 AM, just 30 minutes before Igor had to pack his family into a clown car and head to the airport? Poor Igor. As if it wasn’t bad enough that he had to spend a full week on a cruise with Benjy, Shmeel, Dave, etc. (Leib’s dream vacation) How about some quick predictions? 1) Joey’s team will suck and miss the playoffs.
2) Joey will make several trades.
3) Tzvi’s team will get one of the 2 byes in the playoffs.
4) Benjy will score more ppg than Igor.
5) Arty will come out of the closet. Like that’s necessary!
6) Leib or Abe will finally win a championship. Oh…and it won’t be Abe.
7) Elan’s team will be a top 4 seed. He still won’t win it all.
8) Norm will hit Modell’s to purchase a few more bballs for his team. There’s just never enough to go around.
9) Vegh will be on the verge of completing several deals…but won’t make a single one.
10) Igor will whine to me every Tuesday night, during the car ride home, about how much he hates Eli K, how blind the refs are and how he wishes I would stop passing Benjy the ball.
Playoff PredictionsFirst round games: #3 Shapsie over #6 Igor, #5 Norm over #4 ElanSemi-finals games: #1 Tzvi over #5 Norm, #3 Shapsie over #2 VeghChampionship Game: #3 Shapsie over #1 Tzvi (you expected a different result?) I reserve the right to change my playoff predictions on or before June 3, 2008. Enough is enough. I need to go ask for my raise now. Work is rough. Catch you guys on Tuesday (hopefully). **Legal Disclaimer** Nothing written above is in jest. Frankly, I'm not worried that anyone will hunt me down. After all, the odds of Gitty letting me out of the house ever again are veeeery slim. Okay, you got me-I'm still worried about Charlie!! GO BLUE!!